Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You think this day and age it would be polite to just walk up and ask a woman, excuse me want to share a condom. . .

   People on Death row probably don't think it's funny when the President pardons the turkeys for Thanksgiving.

   Oh great now the bill collector is blowing up my phone cuz he thought we got accidentally disconnected....

   Dear CBS please put How I Met Your Mother to the Sitcom Cemetery

   Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at Walmart.

   Me: "Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?"... Wife: "Well, what does it say on it?.Me: "Boston Bruins.".. Wife: "You're an idiot "..

   while fixing the big Thanksgiving dinner remember to cook with wine like all the fancy tv chefs say....you'll be too drunk to realize what the family is saying or doing

   My best posts are like children... I have my favorites and nobody else seems to be interested in hearing about them.

   After over 350 years,,, The Vatican finally apologized to Galileo, so don't expect an apology for child abuse anytime before 2363.

   Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I've gotta go find my clothes.

   My favorite part of Thanksgiving day is when I stuff the Bird. My wife enjoys it too but wishes I'd find another nickname for her lady parts.

   I think what I'm thankful for most this Thanksgiving is not having to read thirty more days of what everyone is thankful for.

   The best thing about all these crazy Potato Chip flavors is that we don't need to make side dishes for the Turkey this year.

   The worst part about watching The Food Network while my mother in law tries to follow their recipes during the Holidays is the sad fact that they don't deliver.

   While discussing the costliness of gifts, my wife's family has decided to draw names out of a hat for Christmas on Thanksgiving Day this year. Too bad I couldn't draw the name of a different family altogether for Christmas.

   Obama want you to talk about Obamacare over the Thanksgiving table to get more to register......that program is still hanging on by a wing and a prair!

   I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself.

   We cover every dish we take to Grandma's house with aluminum foil. That way the Aliens wont be able to know what we're eating this time.

   Sometimes I feel like cashier's find a certain joy in letting things run down the conveyer belt and then stopping it right after I decide to stop it 007 style with the person in front of me.