Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind.

   The person who wrote this, is an idi@t. "The @ dmin must put an end to boring p osts before boring p osts put an end to this joint. "

   "Dude, she just called you a stalker." "Oh hell no, hold my binoculars."

   My girlfriend told me that I need to be more ambitious and innovative.Now I have two girlfriends.

   Women love being cuddled while they sleep, except for when they don't know who you are, apparently.

   Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing after they have exhausted all other possibilities.

   I wish I had an office job so I can call in sick with one of my 'deathly ill' voices...

   Which one is Heckle and which one is Jeckle? And why did Mr. Hyde have to be a home wrecker?

   On a scale of 1 to Mother-in-law How annoying are you?

   Does this nervous breakdown make me look fat?

   People who eat fries with a knife and a fork Do you put gloves on before sex too

   I hate time zones and math

   Pro tip: women do not want to hear an apology while you're still inside their sister. Take it out first.

   If a girl doesn't answer you immediately, it's only because she's telling all her friends about what you just said.

   I blame all this snow on people who think its fun to decorate for Christmas before thanksgiving. ... mother nature just went along with them. ...so they cant b*tch..

   heading to Kinko's. Printing Best Buy 'coupons' good towards one free ipad for everyone in line early.

   I called the Atheist Dial-A-Prayer line. No one answered.

   So the CIA had a secret compound at Gitmo named "Strawberry Fields"? "Poppy Fields" would be a more appropriate name...

   You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.

   Women- God's version of a Rubik's cube.