Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   richey rich needs to loan our country some money

   My friend has just started his own business manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats. Apparently, prophets are going through the roof.

   Bought a cheese grater for a blind friend... He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

   Just got her first early Christmas present. A sweater!.. All she really wanted was a moaner or a sceamer.

   At a recent job interview: What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? 'Well, my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.' And your strengths? 'I'm Superwoman!'

   I remember how it felt soooo good to turn my lights out for Earth Hour... On hindsight, I probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.

   My anti-aging face cream gave me acne... No need to go that young, L'Oreal!

   has just realized that if you change the word 'wand' to 'wang' in the Harry Potter books... they suddenly become a lot more amusing.

   dreamt she was a muffler last night.... and woke up totally exhausted.

   Think of a number between 1 and 10. Add your area code. Subtract your age. Add some common sense. What are you even doing with your life?

   No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one

   If one door closes & another door opens, you're probably in prison.

   It's not cellulite, it's my body's way of saying "I'm sexy" ...in braille.

   I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far'

   Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide. Sort of proves his point, really

   The best part about being a M uslim girl is how you don’t have to wait for Halloween to wear your ninja costume.

   I don’t tell my wife anything. I don’t confide in her. I don’t trust anybody. I just treat her like an acquaintance.

   I find it funny how people throw around inspirational stuff like ‘live your life to the fullest’ after they've spent the entire day on Facebook.

   What is this compulsion to have people over your house and serve them food and talk to them? What a strange thing.

   If you add all the distance I've run from my car to the liquor store as its about to close then yes, I have run a marathon.