Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The American Music Awards are so predictable... I didn't win a single award again this year...

   the last time I visitied a gym I was being graded on it

   Miley Cyrus is the worst thing that happened to America!!

   Who needs the NFL Ticket when you have Facebook?

   Not judging at all, but if you have a mullet in your commercial, you might want to update your advertising.

   President Obama is the worst thing that has happened to Amerca

   Attention people that only post inspirational quotes: we know you're nuts.

   Dog just farted so bad his fleas jumped off

   Just thinking about going to the gym burns between 0 and 0 calories.

   When the stalker becomes the stalked.

   First rule of Vegan Club... Tell everyone.

   I thought I was starting to miss you, but it turned out to be just a prescription mixup.

   Roses are red Violets are blue Give me your purse This is a robbery

   Spilled a my redbull on my phone this morning, now my phone wont come out of airplane mode

   A recent CNN poll shows that 53% of Americans don't believe Obama to be honest or trustworthy. The other 47% of Americans weren't polled.

   I met this woman at the club tonight. Well she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and parrelled parked on the very first try that l thought hold on a minute here!

   Once again Miley Cyrus tries to hijack another awards show by throwing her inexplicably huge pu$$y out there for all the world to see.

   Did you hear that RGIII went to the Redskin coaches and asked them not to show his bad plays during the film session because he is losing his confidence.....What a little diva, maybe they should just show Subway commercials instead...

   In further keeping with the new American tradition of ruining holidays by starting them early and hurrying them along...I put up all my Christmas decorations yesterday, and took them back down this morning.

   I’m not being unreasonable am I? My wife has so many shoes the bedroom looks like the outside of a mosque.