Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet you Sylvia Browne didn't see that coming.

   My home is in hell and I am home right now.

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I'm not sure either, but it's ruining every date we go on...there's sh*t everywhere.

   It's like my date doesn't even care about some of the core problems that faced the software development industry in the mid 90's

   Hey man, I didn't see you at ninja class last night

   Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.

   Broke parents are why I have trust fund issues.

   Girl, are you a plumber? Cause I just felt the last ounce of romance drain from our relationship.

   Chances are, if you're just a little bit smart assy, I like you.

   Ladies; If he doesn't think you're a little bit crazy, he's not paying enough attention to you.

   Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention.

   I don't believe in god but I believe in my god given rights.

   I'm sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.

   Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.

   A satisfied woman will roll over and ignore you. If she's wanting "cuddles" then you suck at sex.

   My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.

   If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be alive today.

   I need a female exercise partner. When I say exercise I mean emotionless sex.

   there anything worse than being on vacation, and your copy of Enter The Dragon won't play because of a scraaaaatch????

   My boss told me to have a good day so I went home. He must really want me to have a good time because he called and said don't come in tomorrow.