Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How have Tampax and Hershey's not released a combo pack yet?

   There aren't female werewolves because it would be unfair if they turned into crazed man-eating creatures of the night twice a month.

   Too young for marriage, but too old for games.

   Any man who says his wedding day is the happiest day of his life has obviously never scored an over-head kick on FIFA.

   What's the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you've fooled me, what's behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?

   Other people: Wow what a perfect morning for a run! Me: Wow what a perfect morning to go the hell back to sleep.

   Listen to what girls say when they're angry... That's when the truth comes out.

   Life's too short to go to bed early

   If she treats you like an option, leave her like a choice.

   I hate when I put food in the microwave and it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it's cold. Like why you gotta play me like that

   If you wake me up by turning on all the lights, there’s a 100% chance that I’ve already started planning 10 different ways to kill you

   What do Justin Bieber and Pinocchio have in common? They both want to be real boys.

   The real reason women live longer than men is because they don't have to live with women.

   Why are girls with boyfriends always way more flirty than girls who are single?

   I want a girl I'm proud enough of to show off to my family and friends

   I was kicked out of the Nintendo thoughts group for my idea about a Wii game for disabled people. Apparently Wii-Tards isn't a great name.

   When I end a sentence with "Just Sayin" what I really mean to say is "Fu%k off, I'm right." ...just sayin.

   Pawn Stars Man: Hey can I have change for a dollar? Rick: The best I can do is 25 cents.

   The best friendships are built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, and inappropriateness.

   We naturally want a girl in our lives. Girls only like ass-holes. Guys become ass-holes to adjust. It's natural. Don't blame us.