Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinking Red Bull cured me, Conclusion; my cells allowed bacteria and viruses inside to kill them for sport.

   I think Commercials on Pandora & Youtube are the Devil.

   You can’t ignore the facts; if you’ve posted more than 4 selfies in the last month, you are a narcissist.

   If the NFL is so smart, why haven't they created a cable channel of just NFL cheerleaders dancing and jumping around?

   Crime doesn't pay folks ...Oh! wait Whitey Bulger lives like Scarface his young life & Now he gets to stay in a nursing home completely free? Prison ...nursing home..>> same thing !

   Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Segal are living proof that talent is not that important to make it in Hollywood.

   I burn 95% of my calories removing gray and unwanted hairs from my head, face, ears and nose and the other 5% flipping people off while I'm driving......

   Whitey Bulger is living proof that the American Dream is still alive!!

   I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...

   Shorter Obama: "if you go dumpster diving behind your insurance company and you find your old plan and they say you can keep it. Period!!

   ...Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!

   So, the gov't is going to let us keep something we already bought? Mighty white of them...

   I miss the good ole days when all the children were kept in factories.

   I just sneezed hard while taking a poop.....I think I just lost my colon

   Only thing Obama tried to fix today was the 2014 elections.....

   My d*ck was in the Guinness Book of World Records but then the librarian told me to take it out

   The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.

   WHATS?!?!?....You want me to work on Friday??? "

   since when did "Thats above my pay grade...." has become the acceptable answer at Mcdonalds?

   Rob ford is the real life Mayor Quimby.