Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rich white folks sure do love giving other rich white folks awards.

   Wife is forcing me to sit through the Country Music Awards. This is my suicide note.

   The best drinks in life are free.

   The closer I get to the toielt, the worse I have to go. It never fails

   African Americans sure do enjoy stabbing and shooting each other at their award shows for each other.

   Affordable Care Act "aka Obamacare"...........Affordable but ONLY if you make 10k + a month!!

   The next person that asks me if ex Salvation Army employees count, gets punched in the throat. Unbelievable

   TV commercials always portray white guys as dorks but we own 99% of America so I guess we're even...

   Im a veteran, not a veternarian...... I dont speak parrot!

   If a room is spinning, it doesn't mean the world revolves around you... you may have just had too much to drink....

   If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food

   I accidently grabbed the wrong shopping cart at Walmart and I'm hoping this kid stops crying because I am not going to raise a crybaby!

   Every time a couple gets married, two single people stop existing.

   The only thing more pussified than a joint FB account is renewing your wedding vows...

   "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers." - new york's most hated cab driver

   I hate when i'm shopping at the grocery store and realize the shopping cart I've been pushing across the aisle isn't mine and I don't have a blonde haired blue-eyed baby....

   Just like all relationships, the people that I have been FB friends with the longest get on my nerves the most.

   I'm beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen..

   When Jennifer Aniston cuts her hair, it makes headlines on CNN. When I cut my hair, my wife tells me to stop trimming my balls over the sink

   Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.