Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Liquor stores should deliver to do their part to help with the drunk driving problem.

   im a real cool person once you get to ignore me

   Hey America and Canadians, the entire world already saw Miss Universe pageant. You people have to wait until 9 pm to watch how Miss Venezuela wins.

   Hey 3rd world country... Canada could care less about the Miss Universe pageant.

   I propose we add an eight day to the week . We shall call it... Saturday two!!

   Girls adjust their bras in public all the time and no one says a thing. I adjust my b@lls once and everyone freaks out.

   I gotta stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I'm beginning to feel like people are taking it as a challenge.

   My dog is following me around. He's either loyal or he's waiting for the right moment to shank me and make a break for it.

   I'm not doing it wrong; I'm doing it my way.

   ZOMBIE FART JOKE: Pull off my finger.

   "I think , therefore I am"- Descartes..."I post, therefore I ham"- Me

   When an old enemy cannot harm you, they'll try to become your friend so they can destroy you.

   says I would like to think a die a heroic dealth. but its more likely i'll trip over the dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting!

   Every relationship should be like a sunday. Soothing, relaxing, totally chilled out.

   When you can have sex whenever you want...you won't want it every day. TRUST ME.

   If it weren't for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

   Dear Mom & Dad,,,Summer Camp looks a lot like a WalMart parking lot.. Also,, Is it usually six months long?... Love Billy

   Home Depot should sell replacement drywall in pre-cut pieces about as big as a fist,, and ironically call them "drunk angry dad size.".. *I'm sad now*

   Ill be thankful when this thankful month is over

   ran my first 5k today...finally I said, "Lady, take your purse!!"