Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I hate going to the Mall. I've always felt like they are watching or following me. I tried to prove it , but my wife just rolls her eyes. The shocking truth is every map I've ever seen in that place says "You are Here". How do they know that?

   Fun thing to do #53: confuse room service bringing breakfast to you by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"

   If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

   If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.

   I am woman, hear me ask you the same question a dozen different ways in the hope of catching you slipping.

   I guess it was a bad idea to dedicate "Another One Bites the Dust" to your newly wed friend.

   My GF asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

   Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. 'I won the lottery'.

   When nobody understands what you are talking about, you're either a genius, insane, or you're my GF.

   ME: Siri, where did my year go? SIRI: "See Facebook"

   You play the victim so well, I'm surprise you don't carry around your own piece of chalk.

   Because of the size of my d*ck women find it difficult to walk after I have sex with them. I react very violently to laughter.

   Fighting between men lasts around 4 to 5 minutes. Fighting between women lasts a lifetime.

   My GF & I are deeply in love. She loves me for my deep pockets. And I love her for her deep throat.

   When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.

   Ladies; Take his breath away. Sit on his face.

   Wedding cards should be filed in the Sympathy section.

   Get this: My 2 year old & 8 month old decided not to take advantage of the extra hour of sleep yesterday morning.

   Today's Horoscope: You're gullible.

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck a Tampa bay Bucs logo on it... Now it sucks just fine