Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if you just started licking the dentists fingers while they were in your mouth...

   Theres a special place in hell reserved fo the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends..

   Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you're dying to be hurt so badly, I've got a baseball bat for that.

   You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

   50 Cent, or as he's called in the U.K, approximately 29p ...

   I've just brushed my teeth and found some bacon. My luck is changing for the better

   I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.

   My life is like a never-ending episode of The Walking Dead where nothing happens but somehow everything is f*cked.

   I've created a shoe made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt. You just get taller.

   Two yrs ago I weighed 296lbs. Today I weigh 293lbs. Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.

   I made this status nice and short so you can just move onto the next one.

   It seems so much later then it actually is.....

   My girlfriends husband doesn't like me.

   Nick Foles gets a concussion, wakes up thinking he's Peyton Manning.

   Why is it that as soon as I do my manicure they get thirsty hungry or need their azz wiped? Geez! smdh

   Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.

   Gary Kubiak even fainted after that overturn...

   Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house hammered, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister...

   Was just reading about the new 100 dollar bill design and wondered why I hadn't seen one yet. Then I realized it's because it's a 100 dollar bill.

   May the millions of lights that shine today light up your life with endless prosperity, good fortune and joy. Sending you and your family warmest wishes for a wonderful and happy Diwali, from India