Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.

   Siri, when is Jesus coming back?

   Women need to be touched by their partners twenty times a day; men need ten times! they get the extra ten from their imaginary lovers.

   My haiku for the day: Please this is tourture, evaluate your bitstrip, you don't look like that.

   I'm not saying I'm into guys, Babe. I'm just saying it'd be nice to have a man around to kill the spiders that you and I are both afraid of.

   I think God give us children so that death doesn't come as a surprise!

   I think God give us children so that death doesn't come as a dissapointment.

   Just heard on the News that they have cut the food stamp program. So, this is our government saying to the less fortunate of our country, wait for it... "Happy Thanksgiving"!

   Now that the government has shut down the food stamp program, I can see the television industry revamping the commercials: The Trix Rabbit will be packing heat, and using it if need be.

   when I heard the news of LAX's shooting first thing that came to my mind was "Kanye had enough!"

   Dozens of ninjas at my door for Halloween but they weren't very good ninjas, I could plainly see them.

   If all he thinks about is sex, turn on a football game. Now he's thinking about football... And sex...

   Does it ever rain on The Walking Dead???

   I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed. Don't blame me there were no windows

   I seen a guy wearing a "World's Greatest Stepdad" shirt, so I killed him and took it. There can be only one.

   You "seen" a guy? It's embarrassing what America is turning into.

   A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

   I really like the phrase "inspector gadget level incompetence"

   Attending community college without student aid has made me realize some things. 1. Never rely on the bus as your only form of transport. Buses break down. 2. Mixing Taco Bell sauce with Top Ramen tastes exactly like poverty.

   If Eminem wants to be considered one of the greatest rappers that ever lived, then he has to get shot and killed like Biggie and Pac. Those are the rules.