Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DO you know why I make noise?! Because I want to let you know how much I'm an a$shole.

   Forget love and lust, I just want to find someone I can be comfortable with and not have to hold my farts in when I am with them. . .

   I had a good Halloween, I went on the cheap and gave out ketchup, mustard and soy sauce condiments that I've been saving from take out for the past year. . .

   Not 1 trick or treater last night!!!Thanks to the roll of crime scene tape I got at a yardsale last summer......

   someone needs to tell Wyclef he can come back now.

   When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me

   A Rod's attorney just accused MLB of causing an unsafe playing environment. He might be right since the playoffs present A Rod with a choking hazard.

   Sitting at my desk wondering how long I can get away with wearing my Halloween costume. I dressed up as the Obama-Care Website. #NotWorking

   Can't believe people still go to the gym when they can just post it as their status and go have ice cream instead.

   This fish I got from the fisherman is off the hook.

   Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.

   Those girls who give you a hug just because you know one of their friends. Heaven was made for people like you.

   Somewhere, Somehow a guy is with his "girlfriend" spending his payday money, but last weekend she couldn't be with him bcoz she told him she was "sick" or something

   No Officer, that's medicinal gasoline and matches.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper that says "snacks".

   An organization can be famous for being a bad example.

   I'm thinking about asking Nicholas Cage to be in my daughter's Christmas play for $15 and lunch

   Nothing worse than getting drunk and slipping and falling into a relationship.

   Most problems can be solved with Nudity

   It seems all the girls in my school decided to go as a 21 yr old with low self esteem and daddy issues. Must have been weird for them to all have the same costume on