Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   My ex-girlfriend gave me a sweetest day card. Ok, it was a restraining order but it's the thought that counts

   I've seen obituaries that were funnier than this crap...

   Back in the day, Mom gave us 2 dinner choices. What she cooked or jack $hit....

   Idea: We lure Godzilla to Washington D.C., and then claim the insurance money. (we could balance the budget and start over)

   So,, The cashier at this Trader Joe's forgot to say "I love these" to one of my items, and now I have to go to the end of line and start over.

   Someday, we'll all look back on this, laugh nervously and then quickly change the subject.

   I Hate when my wife asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line,, cause I really don't like being that guy holding two purses.

   Bringing the grandkids to Seaworld next week,, to swim with the sharks... It's Dolphins?.. Whatever...

   *Gets in hammock*...*hammock instantly goes into spin cycle*...*spins into cocoon*...*completes larva process*

   Wait!!! Just exactly how does a cheese grater make cheese greater?

   My super power is leaving a party without saying goodbye to anyone.

   "looking for someone who will touch me like my uncle did" , is enough to get you suspended from a dating site... Apparently.

   So apparently if you throw leftover cooked rice instead of uncooked rice at the bride during a wedding, you ruin her special day. Who knew.

   They say drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette takes 6 minutes off your life. By my calculations I died in 1985...... Cheers!!

   has a really bad case of SRH!!! (Sperm retention headache)

   The disregard of tiny complex minds is the best response….

   I got one of those 13.1 bumper stickers cuz that's how many wings I can eat in five minutes.

   FYI: When each one of the Golden Girls died, the remaining ones gained their power,,, and now Betty White is an immortal highlander.

   When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.