Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife likes to talk during sex. Stuff like: "Why is the bathroom door locked?!?" and "What are you doing in there?"

   Science is for people who like to think about what's being told. Religion is for people who like to be told what to think.

   Please, always tell your daughters they're beautiful, and you love them. There's enough selfies on Facebook already.

   Do people that go outside know they could die and stuff?

   I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"

   Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.

   Facetious: The only word in the English dictionery to use all the vowels in a row. a.e.i.o.u.

   Science is for the egotistical that think man has all the answers

   it aint about obama its about yo mama

   tshirt idea: 100% cotton, yo momma picked it.

   You want romance? Seriously? In this economy?

   I like to hit snooze from the back.

   Oral in the morning.... because your breath smells like ass anyway.

   I've mastered the art of trusting people when they have clearly proven they don't deserve to be trusted

   It's hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.

   Why do people say "everyone is entitled to their own opinion" after saying something really stupid?

   There’s a monkey that’s an astronaut but you’re just some guy writing jokes for strangers on the Internet.

   Born again? Why? Was the first time really that bad?

   Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in '95. That's 1795. He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.

   Jerk** I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.