Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.

   If Sesame Street really cared about children,,, they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

   I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of lynyrd skynyrd history.

   Slipping a tasteful nude photo into my work file... couldn't hurt at this point.

   You know you're jealous when you can't even find a reason for your hate.

   Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.

   I just dropped $2 somewhere under the passenger seat in my car, so I guess I have a savings account now.

   Government opens. Confederate flags at half mast.

   Don't judge me because I sleep naked...

   The shutdown is over. Now instead of sitting at home doing nothing the government employees can go to work and do nothing.

   Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.

   My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

   Nothing hotter than a big sl0ppy tub of lard with a butterfly tattooed on her b00b.

   Wait....the government was shutdown?

   The US government to China: "We'll pay you back, we promise. Just as soon as we're done dividing by zero."

   I'm beginning to think its better to be wrong and stupid than right and miserable.

   You know who really hates Nine Inch Nails? Jesus.

   You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you're already there.

   Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be

   The hardest part of breaking up is finding somewhere to dump the body.