Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Knock knock." ..."Who's there?" " ..."Doorbell repair guy"

   National No Bra Day was off the hook.

   I tried to decorate for Columbus day......but there really isn't ANY decorations out there for it.....so I threw a VHS tape of Pocahontas onto the font lawn....I will have to do...

   It must take an awful lot of self-control to work in a bubble-wrap factory.

   Columbus was in Puerto Rico in the 15th century. Pocahontas was 17th century Virginia. FAIL!

   I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.

   note to self........when arguing with the wife at a public get together "Go wait in the car for me" is not a smart thing to say

   its Columbus Day! Find some people who look comfortable and make them move!

   I can turn any song into the explict version if I dont really know the words.

   I never did learn how to set the time on a VCR. These kids have no idea how good they have it.

   Before you diagnose yourself with anxiety, first make sure that's not only a realistic fear of surrounded by a$$hole harasser stalkers.

   Breaking: Redskins considering dropping the Name Washington.

   The Washington Redskins will now be known just as the Redskins because many people find the word "Washington" offensive.

   BREAKING: The Washington Redskins, due to the embarrassing nature of their name, have decided to remove the "Washington" from it.

   Sticks and stones may break your bones but PMS can kill you.

   It is now day 11 of the government shutdown and we knew sooner or later something like this was going to happen. Despite the national parks being shut down, several men were severely mauled by bears yesterday. But enough about the New York Giants.

   You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."

   Nice try speed bumps, it's a rental.

   If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they'll tell you how great you look at 250.

   'LSD makes users lose weight' That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.