Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Listen,,, any sport is dodgeball if you aren't very good.

   Huh,,, It's pretty cool how willy wonka got away with murdering all those bratty kids that went on a tour of his candy factory... Hmmm

   I got fired from work for continually putting my fingers into the pickle slicer , but to be fair, they fired her too!

   When I was a kid,,, we had to post updates through two cups and a string.

   I called a friend of mine today. Her boyfriend picked up and said "she's not into you" the hanged up. Strong and healthy relationship that.

   Facebook relationships are like flowers. They die in a day or two.

   I’m sorry I didn’t listen to your voicemail I was too busy walking my dinosaur.

   I don't get why girls get mad when men only want them for their bodies. Their brains are just filled with tons of knowledge about shoes.

   Homeland is a really good series if you’ve been having trouble sleeping.

   This pen I stole from the bank is off the chain

   The work day would be so much more fun if it were Casualty Friday

   Can you even imagine how long the Carfax report is on the Batmobile

   A country song,,, but for how bad country music is.

   Bigamy: Having one wife too many

   Monogomy: See Bigamy

   PRO TIP: You can put a baseball card between the spokes on a Prius, and make it sound like a real car

   When it rains it pours for the OU Sooners - not only did Texas beat them but now they learned that they have to return to Oklahoma.

   I used a sta tus I stole from here that had 8 L IKES, but on my page it only got 2 L IKES. Can I get a refund?

   The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.

   Maybe the EBT card shutdown is actually a new DIET plan created by Michelle Obama?