Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An anti-chemical weapons group winning the Nobel Peace Prize in a year where chemical weapons were used is why I have trust issues.

   My Panic Room is every room I walk into where there's people.

   I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

   If you push a carriage for more than 20 minutes a day outside of a store there should be a law that you have to have a license to operate it. . .

   If your phone gets wet, try putting it in rice over night. This will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.

   I got fired from my job at the restaurant for putting a load in the dishwasher... she was cute.

   I have learned two things this week; never critique a BJ while getting a BJ and teeth are really, really sharp.

   Why is it that the people who are loudest about demanding respect are the same ones who have done the least to earn it?

   My father is at that age where he will have a full on conversation with a telemarketer.

   Thinking about free healthcare and how much it's going to cost me?

   Destroy you're Ex by calling them you're previous Ex next time you bump into them.

   At the DMV. When they called my number, felt like I was on the Price Is Right TV show. XD

   A hoes favorite line is, 'Don't judge me, you don't know what I been thru'.....Yeah I do, a lot of d*ck.

   My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness

   To the old age you've learnt anything through knowledge and experience; the problem is you remember none of them.

   Rainy day entertainment idea: Take the kids to Cabela's,, or as I call it, "The Really Still Zoo."

   Just gave myself an enema filled with warm water and glitter, and I ended up craping out a Ke$ha cd.

   I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille.

   Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

   According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.