Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Seat belts, aiding the view of cleavage since invention.

   ATTENTION: Cheerleading practice will be located in the vacant lot behind Kohls until further notice. Please bring pom poms and make sure you're not followed

   Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.

   Starbucks is now offering something called the duffin. If you havent heard, it's a combination of a donut and a muffin. Who says America has lost its exceptionalism?

   Thanks arms for being by my side. Thanks legs for all the support. Thanks fingers - I can always count on you. Now nose - why so stuffy?

   One more candy crush request and I will eat all your candies and crush your nose bone - RJ

   Personally, I don't find swearing offensive. I think it adds character & emphasis to a conversation. I do find, backstabbing, lying, cheating and screwing people over offensive, but not swearing.

   I'm not sure how many looks of death you can get from a spouse before you actually die, but I know its more than 10.

   Sometimes I smoke weed just because I think it's what Jesus would've wanted.

   Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.

   I'm sorry Kanye, but you can't name your baby North West, then call yourself a "creative genius."

   I think I'm the only person in this Family Dollar without a neck tattoo....... Wait, a 7yo just walked by,, Yep, still the only one.

   what cultureless buffoon called him Subway Sandwich Artist of the Month and not "Leonardo Six Inchi".

   “It’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”... Umm,,, wait, you’re not my doctor... *a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

   Sex Ed teacher: Class today we will start on the birds and the bees. Today is bees. *opens hive, unleashing an angry swarm of bees*... Locks us in

   I'll take opposites for 400 Alex... "the opposite of downcat"... What is updog?.."Not much what's up with you"... * Alex quits,, they shutdown show forever*

   just hoping Jerry Sandusky had another bad day in prison at the hands of Bubba.

   Never trust a guy who says trust me

   I hate it when I wake up next to someone and can't remember who they are, where I met them or how they died.

   I'm starting to think that Dr. Dre isn't a real doctor after all...