Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re having a bad day go ask a two-year-old to say Sasquatch

   I think I'm going to post the Constitution in my Facebook status. That way the government might read it.

   Ever thrown a cat into a swimming pool? Same thing happens when you think a woman is mad and ask “are you mad?”

   I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.

   I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the centre go to hell.

   Gender equality? Men don’t have that thing in women’s brains that makes them voluntarily do all household chores when they’re angry.

   My wife has a low tolerance for alcohol when I am drinking it.

   12h To the women who complain that men only want sex from you... Have you ever considered offering them...something else?

   How fat am I? I came to the yard literally for a milkshake.

   I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.

   Breaking New's !!! This Just In: Day 9 of the government shutdown and President Obama is having a hard time trying to figure out which golf course to play at next.

   Shouldn't CBS withhold episodes of NCIS and NCIS-LA for the duration of the federal shutdown?

   Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face. Read Latest Breaking News from Newsmax.

   Screw Congress! Me and some drinking buddies have decided we're gonna re-open the government our way!

   I'm so in debt, I could start a government!

   The only thing worse than the roll out of Obamacare would be walking around barefoot in a Major League Baseball dugout....

   If watching He-man cartoons has taught me anything it's that you can solve any problem with a sword.

   Only you can prevent forrest fires! Seriously though because Smokey the Bear has been furloughed.

   hey China, can you loan me a measly million bucks? I promise to only shop at Walmart and I will not shutdown!

   FACT: Growing a beard while sleeping is the only way a man can multitask