Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tony Romo is the type of person to make a perfect cake and then drop it on the way to the table....

   My boss is asking me to turn my reports in on time..... *like I DON'T write crappy jokes online for no pay lol*

   So do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

   If I go into a restaurant with two other people I like to say my last name is Stooge, just to hear the hostess call out "Stooge, party of 3"

   I just saw one of my friends on Facebook post a status like. MY DAUGHTER MUST BE SO POPULAR I HEAR PHONE VIBRATING ALL NIGHT.. A okkkk its not a phoneee

   Boys Laugh at what they put Girls through but they wont be laughing when they are wiping tears off their Daughters face for the same reason.

   Posting pictures of a huge supply of hard liquor isn't going to impress anyone but your toxicologist.

   Let's declare the U.S.-Mexico border a National Park. That way, it will be closed.

   Jerry jones was seen giving Tony Romo the heinlick maneuver in the lock room after the game Sunday

   Why can't we just let the government employees go back to work and furlough Congress?

   If the US government shutdown affected alcohol or internet porn they’d have it fixed by tomorrow morning...

   The government shut down? And no one even noticed...

   Loving someone who doesn’t love you back isn’t as bad as trying to eat something immediately after brushing your teeth.

   I would beat the sh*t out of the kid who plays Joffrey in Game of thrones. I don’t care if it’s just acting.

   Fish are always making that “I want to suck a d*ck” face.

   Don't be that guy who all the women keep running away from on the dance floor.

   Maybe if you really love them you won't put them to the ultimate test of seeing just how much of your bullsh*t they can actually put up with

   I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I'm going to answer it is your second mistake.

   I'm not an a$$hole, I just play one around stupid people.

   If you decide to walk a mile in my shoes, it will likely just be a mile of circles looking for the remote.