Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone knocks on the door while you're in a toilet stall respond with "be with you in a second, let me finish up with this one first"

   I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

   This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues

   f you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, start a chainsaw.

   True, you can be too old to learn new tricks, but you're never too old to start turning tricks.

   "Would you like anything else?" What I said - "A little bit of mayo, please". What the Subway Sandwich Artist heard - "A wholesale club sized jar of Helmann's, put it all on one side, and make sure it all squeezes out when you wrap it up."

   I think I've already smoked this life down to the filter.

   In a bear attack, hold your hands up and approach calmly. Palm strike to the sternum. You're attacking a bear now.

   The fastest way to confuse a woman is to tell her she looks great now that she's gained a couple of pounds.

   I think I've finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.

   No guy named Larry was ever a baby. They actually walk out of their mothers womb with receding hairlines in sandals with socks

   Nothing beats a woman with a great voice. Except Chris Brown.

   The squeaky wheel gets the grease but it's also the first one to get replaced.

   Britney Spears is set to make $19 million from her latest gigs in Las Vegas. Officially, this makes her the highest paid mime artist of all time.

   A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

   To this day it still upsets me that all of those times that Forest Gump was separated from his true love, he never ONCE thought to pick up a phone and dial 867-5309.......

   do snitches still get stiches under obamacare?

   With the purchase of every drake album You should get a free box of Kleenex and a photo album of your ex

   If good things come to those who wait,then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming...

   How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the G...