Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Let's rock out for skin cancer awareness with Ms. Sheryl Crow!" "YAAAY!!" "I wanna soak up the suuuuun...!" "BOOOO!!"

   I look up at the sky and think of Bolkonsky wounded at Austerlitz contemplating the very nature of existence......... Just kidding, I'm thinking about boobs.

   I dont care one Iota about leaving a better planet for our kids. I think we should be focused on leaving better kids for our planet.....

   So let me get this straight...The Hulk smashes cars and breaks things and people call him "incredible". I do it and people call me an "alcoholic" because I'm not green.

   McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months

   I'm fluent in 5 distinct variations of jackass.

   A parody idea for Closing Time by Semisonic....Clothing Time..."You don't have to go home but you can't stay here"..

   i find it ironic that in "the smurfs 2" the stepdad explains to Neil Patrick Harris' character how he met his mother

   Repeat after me: It doesn't matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won't solve it.

   FACT: Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.

   Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you

   I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It's never going to make it anywhere near that.

   We do not realize that one day, a guy suddenly had the idea to put a thermometer in the butt of someone. And that person said yes.

   I'm eating a bowl of generic frosted flakes. THEY'RRRRRRRRRE ok, I guess.

   Miley Cyrus sounds like the name of an adorable virus.

   I would totally be in a relationship right now, but I prefer sex without complications.

   Falling in love on the internet is a lot like running on a treadmill for an hour and expecting to be ANYWHERE else!

   Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.

   You always know when random, clean, friendly people come talk to you in the street it's because they want you to join their religion.

   If you shoot a spider, the sound will make your neighbor call the cops. So shoot your neighbor instead, cause the spider won't call the cops