Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy first day of fall! ¡ƃuıɹds ɟo ʎɐp ʇsɹıɟ ʎddɐH

   K-mart is starting their Halloween sale. They have a lovely selection of Christmas trees.

   Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I'll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags

   Call me a romantic, but I like my women how like my stool: loose and corny.

   When I was a kid I prayed for a skateboard, then I realized God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness

   "Hey David... Do you talk to your girlfriend while you are having sex? "Only if there's a phone handy"

   My stomach is so torn up I'm playing Russian Roulette when I fart.

   Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.

   I'm pleased to say that I just used some germ-X and got rid of 99.9% of germs on both my hands and probably got them back while typing this

   So, Dexter is really The Brawny Man?!? Gee thanks, Showtime....

   Give your child a chance. Not a mohawk.

   A string of stars tattooed on your chest is a great way to let everyone know you're a 22 year old single mother of 4 kids.

   I'm opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint. I really think my "Whites Only!" restaurant idea will be a hit!

   Just heard some of Drakes new album..& damn it got to me..let me go call my ex from 1st grade I miss the way we use to colour together.

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

   Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.

   There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press "door close" in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just being ambidextrous.

   I'm "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start" years old.

   Son came home from school and asked what "ostracized" meant.. Of course I told him its a unit of measurement for birds.... *now I've got another parent/teacher conference next monday*