Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bring me coffee or die in a suspicious fire.

   I'll make you feel good for a few seconds and then remind you how single you are after. - masturbation

   Got passed by a Smart car today, and now I'm wondering where I can pick up a stronger set of balls.

   How many calories does avoiding responsibility burn? Asking for a friend.

   "I'm not usually like this", I whisper as I lie on the floor in the fetal position, at a job interview.

   DATING TIP: add 'Free Wi-Fi' to your dating profile

   When I feel like eating pu$$y, I order Chinese.

   It's amazing how fast you can get drunk when you hate everyone around you.

   Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.

   You call it cleavage; I call it a stray popcorn reservoir.

   Ed Hardy gear is the pink flamingo lawn ornament of the fashion world.

   I'm sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to order pizza and watch tv.

   On a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?

   Apparently it's 'inappropriate' to show up at your therapist's home to swim in her new pool even though your 'boundary issues' paid for it.

   Any guy that makes your girl laugh…pull your head out of your ass and start worrying about him.

   Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

   Some of you make me jealous. You have hours to devote to people you hate and I barely have time for people I adore.

   Obama: children in Syria were gassed. It means, Obama is not going to kill children?! I'm not sure! Please don’t swindle us!

   "I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots," haters, and insecurs...

   Think of a number. Double it. Add eight. Half it. Minus the number you started with. Close your eyes.... It's dark, isn't it?