Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently my girlfriend has no problem putting my d*ck in her mouth but she won't let me touch her if I don't wash my hands right after I pee coz that's disgusting.

   Those who have talent will use it. Those who have none will exploit themselves. Looking at you Miley Cyrus.

   According to my poop, I need to start chewing my corn better.

   You know you're getting old when the learning curve becomes a roundabout.

   Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.

   Stop focusing on the meaning of life and focus on finding a life with meaning.

   I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.

   I'm not very good at human interaction. Would you mind leaving the room & texting me about this? Thanks.

   I just told a girl I loved her. Well, I didn't actually say it. And it wasn't actually a girl. Ok, fine, I was eating a Pizza and moaned a little.

   Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you'll finally have 2 kids by the same father."

   Does anyone want to be my friend? Asking for a friend.

   Speaking of IKEA, I think the phrase "Some assembly required" is Swedish for "Here's a pine log and some nails."

   I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.

   I went to my annual visit to the dentist. 3 lost teeth and blood everywhere. But at the same time, because he really hurted me, he deserved it.

   If "it's what is on the inside that matters" then why do they sell so much make-up?

   Got divorced 5 years ago and just found a box of baking soda in the fridge. It's still good, right??

   Someday my neighbors will describe me as "Just a quiet guy who kept to himself."

   I'm trying to make a Miley Cyrus joke but it's not twerking

   You can tell if someone is getting any booty or not, just by the way they post...

   "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" because "Slowly Falling Into Crack Induced Alcoholic Depression" just doesn't roll off the tip of your tongue.