Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   shootin deer drinkin beer. its all I think about

   Amanda Knox will not be going back to Italy for her second murder trial. Well, duh....

   Remember a few years ago when Jamie Foxx said Miley Cyrus would end up on a stripper pole and he had to apologize? I think everyone owes Jamie Foxx an apology.

   Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.

   My significant other is all warm and wet this morning..I love my coffee!!!!

   Just watched Miley Cyrus' VMA performance on YouTube... I'm on my way now to the health department to get tested for herpes.

   MTV still has VMAs? They don't even play music! The Food Network should hand out awards to top athletes then or something equally as stupid .

   You couldn't handle five minutes in my head.

   Was described as a great dad by my son, further proof that children have horrible judgement.

   all I know is that before I watched Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMA's, it didn't burn when I peed.

   Parent: "Who's the $5 hooker on meth?" -Miley Cyrus .... "Way to go Disney"

   Miley's a$$ is so flat it looks like a backwards cameltoe!!

   Have you ever woken up from a nightmare, looked around you, and then wished that you were back in the nightmare?

   I have heard of videos going viral, but now it hurts when I pee..

   we can all talk smack about miley, but we all know if given the option and if no one would find out, we would hit that pancake A ss

   The problem with us guys, is that we'd rather go for the hot chick rather than the cool one...

   After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a pop singer.

   When a woman smiles for no reason, I assume she just had that good sex, has good meds or is deciding what to do with my body.

   I'm passed out drunk on the side of the road to success.

   If a guy blogs for any reason other than getting snatch, he probably doesn't like snatch...