Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At least give Mitch Hedberg credit, HYJ.

   Bring back hanging,that's what I say... tumble-driers are useless....

   This new dishwasher is useless .. It's already ruined three of my paper plates...

   Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?

   I don't care when a girl puts me in 'the friend', 'creeper' or 'getting a restraining order against zone'... it's their loss, not mine."

   Scars are tattoos with better stories.

   When it comes to toilet water,, It's not the taste that keeps me coming back.... It's the free refills.

   If the world really had been flat, Americans would have poured pizza sauce on it and eaten it.

   Listen Bob,,, You're indispensable. Just like the last guy we fired.

   cooking tip : not everyone can be a chef you know... you can order a pizza,, there is nothing shameful about giving up

   Women are like alarm clocks. They won't shut up until you hit them.

   We have a good thing going here. Let's not ruin it by "talking."

   i know I am ugly but can some girl just take one for the team and go out with me tonight?

   I'm a good idea in theory.

   If you have to fight someone’s love then you’ve already lost that battle.

   I think this marriage can still work if we just stop interacting.

   You'd think there'd be another way of getting down from a horse other than just sitting there until it dies.

   Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

   A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I'm an a-hole...

   I hate when I order a pizza online & it asks "Do you accept the terms and conditions?" I'm ordering a pizza, not launching a nuclear weapon.