Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder… And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking còk.

   The judge sentenced me to 12 years today. Apparently, sitting on your hand for 15 minutes before shooting your wife does not mean that somebody else did it.

   I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

   My wife’s got tîts like coconuts. Hairy as fûck.

   Just replied to an ad offering me hot sex with an older woman. Should be interesting. I am 86.

   If you find me sharing your status updates, chances are I'm doing it sprawled out naked on a leopard print rug while listening to The Flame by Cheap Trick.

   Childbirth. The most beautiful thing in the world… Being destroyed by a baby.

   Religion in the head of a fool can be a dangerous thing.

   I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

   Women use men for free food and get mad when we use them for sex.

   If a chick gives you head with no hands it's cuz she is going for your wallet

   Ladies; The only way I am taking you on a $500 date is if you bring $475 along with you.

   I tried to keep up with the Kardashians but now it burns when I pee

   The only difference between a Rectal Thermometor and an oral one is the taste.

   I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

   I don't care if people talk behind my back. It puts them in a better position to kiss my azz.

   I'd pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??

   If you are keeping up with the Kardashians and you are a guy, I have bad news for you. You may not already know this but you are gay.

   I guess there won't be mens figure skating at the winter olympics...