Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that shark week is over, we can all go back to swimming in the oceans...

   Just once I'd love to attend a funeral where people are being honest and keeping it real about the deceased asking questions like, "Who here is going to pay me the money he owed me?"

   I have been calling my girlfriend "honey" for 6 years now, because I'm too embarrassed to tell her that I forgot her name.

   Well, I'm no geologist...but that looks infected.

   I'm a keeper... Who's never been kept.

   You know a woman by the way she...just kidding. You can never know a woman by anything.

   T-rolls everywhere today. I am out of here.

   George Lucas loves himself some dark chocolate.

   Oprah, you don't need a purse, you need a mumu!!

   Fat people are harder to kidnap.

   I hate women who hate innocent women and invade their privacy for their animal instincts.

   Never touch a guys computer, unless you're on birth control.

   BAM!!! Another Day Not In The Obits!!!

   So Rihanna is in a new movie playing an assassin.. If anyone knows something about being a hit woman, it's Rihanna.

   I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant. I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

   Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?

   Talk is cheap. Unless your a rap artist...

   No matter how loud you crank the bass, it's still a minivan.

   Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP' out loud instead of just in my head.

   So you're Chinese? "Japanese" Sorry..& what a cute litte girl.. "Boy" Oh a boy. Of course.. And I like your pet croc.. "Alligator" I should go..