Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A family that resemble The Klumps just walked into McDonalds. It's like watching the food version of Beyond Scared Straight.

   I'm at one of those awkward stages in my weight loss effort where one belt notch is too loose and the next one is too tight.

   There is a new movie out about the lives of White Trash people, but I've only seen the trailer.

   The problem with taking the road less traveled... is the poor phone signal...

   I had to join two belts together today. I'm not overly fat. I'm just too lazy to get up and smack the kids.

   I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I'll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

   Facebook should rename itself to Stalkbook!

   Shark week is over, but I'm not taking my decorations down

   I'm forever grateful that I became a parent n the age of Bluray, portable DVD players, smartphones and iPads.

   6 year old to my iPhone "Cereal, where's the nearest McDonald's?"

   Don't treat someone like a chocolate chip cookie who treats you like a raisin cookie.

   I’m sorry pornsite but I’m just trying to masturbate and not get involved in stuff like online casino games, thanks.

   While working at the Samaritans I got a call from a fella who said he was going to end it all. He was going to pour a gallon of gas over himself and light a match. I told him "Ahmed its times like these you need your family round you".

   "I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don't see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget do you.

   Here's the deal... I don't care what state you go to...If you wanna find drugs, just find Martin Luther King Boulevard.

   My wife is recovering in the hospital after someone mistook her for a wild boar and shot her. Easy mistake as she was eating an apple at the time.

   I wanted a cigar but they were too expensive. I rolled some tobacco in a piece of brown construction paper........ It was close, but no cigar.

   Here's the deal... No matter what state you're in, if you want Meth, find the nearest trailer park.

   Welcome to Vegas,,,,,, Where what you don't know about your bedspread won't hurt you..

   And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I'll give women the power to control it."