Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Instead of an "are you sure you want to delete?" confirmation notice, there should be a "are you sure you want to post this, you frickin idiot?" notice.

   Dammit! I tried, I really tried, but Monday still found me.

   With friends like Simon Cowell, who needs enemies?

   i woke up on the right side of the dirt this morning and for that I am thankful. now as I dont watch the morning news I will stay happy. Happy Monday to all my frienemys

   Monday. What a horrible way to start the week.

   I don't blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers :/

   My dog runs for president,,,, gets asked race sensitive question,,, "The thing is, I don't see color"......*crowd goes wild*

   If you say "cash money" around me, Don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts",,,,,,,,,,,,,See how stupid that sounds?

   How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.

   Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? A: The Rooster...

   I'd like to slip into something more comfortable...you.

   Nickelback to play Boston bombing victim's Concert. In related news, Train to play relief concert for those who saw Nickelback.... (etc.. Bieber)

   Perfection is for liars and fakes.

   I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.

   Friday are we there yet?

   The bad thing about all dogs going to heaven would be all the dog sh*t everywhere.

   Short guys are like the fat chicks of men.

   Instead of the government giving out free birth control, they should issue every woman a Nancy Pelosi mask. That would work better and cost less.

   A-Fraud! Suspended

   A-Roid sure is ballsy for a guy without balls...