Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.

   Riley Cooper said what??? Wait, isn't he Manning's brother??? No, thats Cooopah!

   Just my luck. Switched to e-cigarettes, got e-cancer...

   OJ Simpson was granted parole today, which means he can FINALLY get back to looking for the guy that murdered his wife.

   Patience is not a virtue! It's a gift. I am not gifted.

   I just used the phrase "dilly dally", so I'm looking into retirement homes now.

   I stood outside the women's restroom at a restaurant for 40 minutes today reminding ladies to wipe front to back...... Because it takes a village.

   This entire time I thought YOLO was a new frozen yogurt store.

   @AnissaClingman: Wtf? I opened this huge lawnmower box and there is no Mexican in it. I thought they were shipped together. Dammit! Who's gonna push it? : /

   Doesn't Riley Cooper know that racial slurs are only used to get out of jury duty?

   does anyone else find it ironic that when the royal baby was born the doctor said "it's crowning"

   I like animals more than people. Mind you I also kill, skin, butcher, and eat animals.

   OJ has been granted parole. He should put on a hoodie and go buy some Skittles in George Zimmerman's neighborhood.

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn

   I used to say that no one could be that stupid. Then I met you. I don't say that anymore.

   She said I was crazy but I talked it over with the Coffee pot and the Tea kettle and they both agreed that she didn't know what she was talking about.

   To my Atheist friends: Who do you thank now that's Friday?

   My son told me his medium wings were too hot... Now he has to wear the Tampon of Shame necklace for the rest of the day......... Thems the rules

   my new party trick I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my a ss tied together I s hit you knot

   My wife is glued to the TV. It's hilarious, I've also superglued my dog to the window.