Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....

   Who named Trojan condoms? The Trojan Horse entered through the city gates, broke open, and loads of little guys came out and messed up everyone's day

   Sylvester Stallone is in talks to make a new Rocky movie. In this one he will fight arthritis.

   Please take everything I tweet seriously because I never use sarcasm and thoroughly enjoy explaining things to strangers on the Internet

   Facebook is a great way to connect with boring people who are bad at the internet.

   I'll bet I can do less push ups than you.

   I'd like to invite you to stop inviting me to like your page on facebook.

   Why is it that the Troubleshooting sections of user manuals address every problem except the one you are having?

   "Zyzzyva, Zyxst, Zyxt..." - Noah Webster's last words

   The police showed up and used technical terms like "Stalker" and "PPO" when I thought I was leaving a "Love Note"

   Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.

   I hope someone will document at least one girl's evolution from "Toddlers & Tiaras" to "Teen Mom" to "Intervention" to "Hoarders."

   Those Blue Man Group guys need to find women. I didn’t realize it could spread like that.

   Teaching my kids some nursery rhymes for the first time... Damn you Andrew Dice Clay!

   You needn't love your enemy, but if you refrain from telling lies about him, you are doing well enough.

   Doing the "I'm thinking really hard face" when the BIG corporate boss looks at you during a meeting.

   I woke up from a deep sleep to find my very despised ex girlfriend standing at the foot of my bed...she was naked and holding a 12 pack of beer in one hand and a large pizza in the other hand...this works for me.

   Listen,,, "You’re a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust, what do you have to be scared of?"

   Wanted to 69 with a hottie in Canada, but I couldn't figure it out with the exchange rate and metric system. So instead I've been jerking off while yelling "USA, USA!!" in the business district in Montreal instead.

   I was having breakfast at a friend's house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."