Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope they have strippers at my funeral.

   I could be nice... but I hear the operation is expensive.

   Wow, I thought what we had was special, you met my family and made me dinner, now you say you’re a “waiter" and you’re just “doing your job"

   Being too nice to people will make them take advantage of you. Being disrespectful will make them loath you. Not getting to know them in the first place will spare you both.

   By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science.

   I don't mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they'd use the part behind me.

   I really wish my eyes could take photos.

   Maybe we should all get drunk and tell each other everything we’re too afraid to say sober.

   If Internet Explorer has the balls to ask you to set it as your default browser, don’t tell me that you don’t have the guts to ask her out.

   in China they are reporting that weiner has lost the erection...

   Some people should be very grateful I don't have mob connections.

   I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn't like to be trapped by boobies????

   "By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science; " specially when you stalk people.

   How can you NOT be a pervert with a name like Weiner?!?!

   The little dance your thumbs do when you aren't sure how to respond to a text.

   it rude to ask someone to bleach their butthole before you toss their salad?

   Eeyore and Tigger need to trade meds.

   I'm an experienced drunk texter/facebooker. I keep my mouth shut

   You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east

   Once a girl says your are like a brother to me, then you know you aint never hitting it.