Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are raccoons supposed to be inside or outside cats?

   The most impressive miracle Jesus performed in the Bible was how he just went from 12 to 30 years without anyone noticing.

   The only acceptable excuse for not being drunk on a Saturday night should be poverty.

   i want to listen to you, but i'm really thinking about snacks.

   I have mixed drinks about feelings...

   My car horn sounds like I'm angrily squeezing a bath toy. Definitely NOT the effect I am going for when I get cut off.

   If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, air pressure will suck your spine out of your butt, because you forgot to wear a spacesuit....... Idiot.

   Here is a joke for all of the mind readers out there....

   Yes, I have a girlfriend. Oh...wait, No...thats a fridge. I have a Fridge.

   "that new iPhone $750? it better play dead if my girl touch it

   I'm going to call my congressional representative and ask them to sponsor a bill authorizing the use of drone strikes over the United States.... as long as we can control them from our smart phones and we can target anyone who cuts us off on the freeway.

   It's always fun to mess with new neighbors. I told the new neighbor across from me "Well at least you made it longer than the last 2 tenants there. They both died there within 2 weeks."

   Oven = Xbox for women.

   Go to Google, type in Atari Breakout and click search, then images! You're welcome...

   Bibles arent allowed in schools anymore but are encouraged in prisons. If kids were allowed to read it at school, they may not end up in pison.

   I illegally watched Hang Over Part 3 online and I still feel like I got ripped off.

   Sometimes it takes two broken hearts to make two happy hearts.

   I guess it wasn't video who killed the radio star. RIP Kris' Kraddick...

   I am about to go where no man has gone before.... do you guys need anything from my lesbian friend's house?