Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die

   who knew a politician named wiener could get into so much trouble?

   yes, I have made mistakes, but last time I checked, life didn't come with instructions!

   Give me a gun and I can rob a bank. Give me a bank and I can rob the world

   Life is no longer a box of chocolates, I ate them all.

   I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know, hunting elephants.'

   Prince William revealed today that he changed his first diaper. Unfortunately, it was Queen Elizabeth’s.

   Imma have my own restaurant called Bacon On It....making foods you love with dun dun dun Bacon on it

   Don't forget it's Throwback Thursday. If they're not loving and treating you right, throw'em back into the sea!

   UNUSUAL TRUE FACTS: Every year, four people die trying to put their pants on.

   People who get out of bed the first time the alarm rings. What's it like to be a demon?

   Theres nothing worse than when someone starts ignoring you before you've had the chance to disappoint them sexually.

   Just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die.

   Got high and let my dog drive us up to Taco Bell. Now he's argueing with the officer that the traffic light wasn't red but gray.

   HR: Let's talk about why you were late today... Me: I told you!.. HR: DRAGONS AREN'T "RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!".. Me: Duh,,That's why I was late

   Hey Biatch (┌'-')┌︻╦̵̵͇̿̿̿̿╤── \(‾- ‾\) Send Me One More Candy Crush Invite!! I dare you!

   The train in Spain crashes mainly going way too fast.

   was really hoping they would name the prince Joffrey.

   I accidentally posted a rhetorical question on Facebook,,, Now I'm banging my head against the wall,, but on the bright side, I have a growing list of people to hide my posts from

   I'd F**k your brains out, but looks like someone already beat me to it