Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sweating worse than Patrick Ewing

   I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

   I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.

   Only a few things Reeses cups will not fix!

   my family has Irish Alzheimers.........we forget everything except for the grudge

   I hate vacationing with my wife because I never have enough privacy to jack off...

   I'm only 30 lbs away from my New Year's resolution to lose 20 lbs!!

   I'm going to start a new trend... Work tailgating. I'll be in the parking lot at 5am every day drinking and grilling. I hope it catches on...

   Men and women have different ways of cleaning a toilet. Women use bleach and rinse twice.We man just pee on the poop stains as hard as we can..

   McDonalds is opening their first restaurant in Vietnam next year. McDonalds slogan "loving you long time"!!!

   How about lets move on from the Zimmerman case already?

   If you can't handle me at my worst....then I completely understand,because I can't either !

   According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.

   I feel like pulling a Joan wilder and out drinking a Sot in Cartagena.... anybody? Chirp chirp chirp... crickets really?

   RJ... oh you better believe I'm calling that store asking for the film back! I don't know who or what was in those pics but you caught my attention.

   RJ.. The tour de France is cool and everything but I think if I was to ever race in it I would definitely come in last not because of my racing abilities but because of my attention span in a beauti...oh wow is that a mom n pop flower shop on the top of t

   this grassy knoll?

   ever wonder if the mcDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?

   I just had a "Stand your ground" moment with a black snake in my backyard, I hope the news media doesn't find out about it and instigate more rioting.

   If you ever Google Gary Oldman FFS dont forget the "R" !!!!