Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God damn girl, you're a bag full of crazy, You seeing anybody?

   All I wanted was one good Zimmerman status but nooooo you guy;s let me down : (

   "Is that one of them porn machines?" - My grandpa, whenever he sees an iPad

   Being white has its disadvantages too, you know. It can be super hard to find a rap song on iTunes when you spell all the words correctly.

   It's a wonder the human race has survived if we can't even adapt to Facebook UI updates.

   Sometimes when I shower I accidentally use conditioner first, and then shampoo so spare me your problems Egypt.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.

   It’s funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies

   There should be a sequel song about needing a ride back from Funkytown.

   Chocolate covered raisins are another way to say; "I hate you."

   Ladies; If the first date is going really well you should probably bring up marriage so he knows you're serious about him.

   i'll join the revolution after I see what the cops do to the 1st 10,000

   "F hash tags and retweets, 140 characters in these streets"

   I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."

   The only kind of Candy Crush I do is with my teeth.

   I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry.

   Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot"

   If you're feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.

   I'd love to give whoever designed the iPhone 5 a car that refills quickly at the pump but only goes 10 miles before needing another refill

   The two hot teen lesbians next door gave me a timex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch!"