Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe nobody loves you because you're boring and needy. Calm down, I said maybe.

   CNN BREAKING NEWS. JURORS IN THE GEORGE ZIMMERMAN TRIAL HAVE ORDERED TUNAFISH SANDWICHES ON WHOLE WHEAT, AND SWEET TEA.

   Discussion of Corvettes. Making people argue and act little weinies since 2013.

   If my girl dance with another guy she flirting with death

   I pooped the other day and called it Peter. That is the closest I have come to playing Call of Duty.

   I joke on Paula Deen being racisst but if she start a plantation with free food I'd be right there like Samuel L Jackson in Django.

   After a night out home with girls, they brought me home with their car. As I entered my crib, I shouted"Thanks for the RIDE girls...and bringing me home.

   Coffee, You're on the bench. Alcohol...suit up!

   Stop saying that I'm hard to shop for. Surely you know where the Liquor store is....

   I'm running out of reasons not to stab you.

   I'm only stalking you cause I know you have an extra burger in that Mcdonalds bag.

   i like that you try to compete with me. At least you have a goal...unrealistic and unatainable, but at least its a goal!

   it doesn't matter if you don't like my personality... I have several more!

   I feel a spree coming on... Now its up to you.... Shopping or Killing?

   "Help, I've fallen and can't get up. No, wait! It's comfy down here. Can someone pass me a pillow? And the remote

   Thanks for the suggestion, serving size... I've had a good laugh,, and will now make you feel stupid for being so wrong.

   I'm Mandela's grandson and have all his leadership skills , follow me

   Game of Thrones is totally going to win the "Most Unrealistic Pubic Hair in a Medieval Drama" Emmy this year.

   a social drinker. You're having one? Well so-cial I!

   Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.