Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can I just date your mouth?

   Pretty sure birds wake up and spend 2 hours asking each other where the Sun is.

   A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half nekked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

   if you are feelimg sad and confused just remember that for milions of years, bird were the closest thimg we had to astronauts.

   Scientists don't know why bees are disappearing, like if you keep stealing a dude's honey he's gonna be cool with it and stick around.

   Patriot, AR-15, Liberty, Taliban, Gun Rights, Tea Party, Terrorist, Religious Freedom. Oh, never mind me. I'm just stirring the pot with the NSA for when they monitor my Facebook account.

   If you reach your hand into a woman's purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you're looking for.

   Smokey: No sugar? Damn. Y'all ain't never got two things that match. Either y'all got Kool-aid, no sugar. Peanut butter, no jelly. Ham, no burger. Daaamn.

   Would like to warn everyone about the upcoming election, I wont be starting any posts but by golly if it comes up in my news feed be prepared for a piece of my mind. To avoid pieces of my mind showing up in your news feed please dont post on mine.

   Every day is "hump day" to my neighbor's dog....get off of my leg you mangy mutt!

   Suddenly a wild Beyonce appears... (•_•) <) )╯ all the single ladies ./ \. ( •_•) \( (> all the single ladies ./ \. (•_•) <) )╯ ./ \. oh oh oh

   Hold your horses. It's hard realizing you're a horse and not a unicorn or a zebra. Console your horses. Tell them they're good enough.

   The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants

   I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.

   Ok duffus.. If your going to text me with a sexy message, try to get my name right!

   That drunk girl that steals my phone and pretends to be me on here every weekend is coming over tonight

   Thanks to George Zimmerman The great seal of Florida is now burned into my Plasma.

   But all that aside Mrs. :Lincoln...how did you enjoy the play?

   Dear person bragging about your awesome vacation.... everyone else wishes you never came back too.

   In honor of having to work today, I'm not going to do a goddamned thing.