Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wait a second! Alan Thicke's sone sings that hit R&B song? But I thought Kirk Cameron was a televangelist?

   If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching then I don’t see the point of money.

   There is a fine line between being a nice guy and being a little b*tch."

   Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. Who has hair on their shoulders. Who's shampooing their shoulder hair. Please come forward.

   If I live to be 100, I'm going to make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like claim I ate a pinecone every single day.

   I imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters.

   I’m starting to think I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my own home.

   If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn't he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator?

   Let's be honest. The only reason I listen to my voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear.

   When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning.

   I can imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters?

   When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning

   My wife worked my ass off today. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.

   If there is a hand on each shoulder, it's not a prostate exam.

   I wish I had Caesar Milan to correct me whenever I drive up to KFC

   Long Island Iced Tea drinks should be called "Learn to Plank in one evening."

   She's not my girl but I get her to smile

   In real world, most of people on Facebook, Internet and twitter would be in prison.

   If I live to be 100, I'm going to make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like I copied and pasted the same staus every single day.

   Seriously! Just watched a deer look both ways before crossing a road. Isolated incident or beginning of a much welcomed change in behavior?