Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watched a guy exit a mini van wearing a West Coast Choppers t-shirt. WTF.

   "No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last week! It's my turn." said no one ever.

   If you leave the sexual innuendo door open even the slightest bit I will come crashing through it like the Kool Aid Man.

   You've actually friendzoned yourself the moment you allowed him to approach her in your presence, making you wait till they're done talking.

   She puts the 'ass' in Picasso!

   Some people's desperation is so hard to watch, I'm forced to wear sunglasses while I laugh....

   Guys, don't take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

   And nobody finds it curious that UFOs only land in the USA? Thats where all the idiots that creat them live.

   I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, I didn't know that you have any.

   The best part of having relatives over is that feeling you get when you shut the door behind them as they leave.

   I enjoy people who actively participate in my insanity.

   My gf and I were eating Chinese take-out and my dog starts begging at the table for a treat. I said "You don't want this, Boy. This is Chinese food. Come to think of it, so are you."

   An inuendo is an Italian suppository.

   The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.

   I hate Mondays more than a midget hates getting a Yo-Yo for Christmas.

   Some are living and others are struggling not to die........

   We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.

   I can't believe people have nerve enough to still be shooting fireworks. They almost caught my Christmas lawn decorations on fire.

   I thought this Mexican Restaurant was closed because only 1 car was in the parking lot, but it was completely packed inside!

   man sent to hospital after finding 6 plastic horses up his arse.....his condition is stable