Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People still shooting off fireworks better be careful that they don't hit any of the Christmas decorations they never took down.

   Never trust a man who takes selfies

   Whenever I select "Next day delivery" for an online purchase, I imagine all these people running around yelling, "Code Red. Code Red!!" and scurrying like crazy.

   Things I'm confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?

   Fool me once, shame on me. Wait no, it’s shame on you. I think. Anyways, next time I’m gonna stab you.......... a lot.

   You should never fully trust the person who seems to never have to get out of the pool to take a bathroom break.

   At this point, people still invite me to things bc they want to see how creative my excuse will be for not going.

   If it is irrational, dangerous and psychologically damaging, call me and let's go for it.

   I've never seen a bar I couldn't lower.

   Sorry I pee peed all over your bathroom, but my Shakira ringtone came on and my hips reacted naturally.

   My mom always told me alcohol was the enemy, the bible says Love your enemy. Case Closed

   Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.

   There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to f*ck with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single day

   Don't take anything here too seriously, including your feelings.

   I make mistakes to further my education.

   Girls, when you wear too much make-up you’re basically just saying.. “I’m not happy with my looks”

   I wish I loved anything as much as some of you love to criticize & attack each other.

   I love earth, except the people on it.

   A man trying to get sex is like a cat trying to get food. They’re never more affectionate or persistent and once you give in, they don't need you anymore.