Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you build something strong against fools, a more intelligent fool we appear and ruin all your effort.

   When I see an ugly obese woman pushing a cart full of kids in a store, I immediately think "Who keeps fuck!ng you?"

   Sure Rome wasn't built in a day but it burnt in a day didn't it?

   I mean I was in a good mood, but that was before I wake up.

   I'm feeling good, I guess that's because I haven't seen anybody today.

   I just realized the more I ignore people the less miserable I become.

   *Steps outside house* *Sees some people* *Rushes back in*

   I forgive people by forgetting about them.

   I’m drinking because you’re talking.

   Honor America by dying from complications of type 2 diabetes.

   I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie would adopt me....

   I'm poor, but not "vote for Obama" poor.

   Today we celebrate freedom...while the government monitors us.

   The only time most people come clean is in the shower.

   Don’t be selfish by asking god to find you a soul mate. God has bigger fish to fry, like cure diseases and save lives.

   Lady, you were funny and interesting up about until that time you started talking about your boyfriend.

   Sometimes when drunk I sleep in a ditch. Doesn’t make me love my bed any less. Actually makes me love it more. See? Cheating isn’t evil.

   Satan must be boring. There are other ways of making people suffer other than setting them on fire, making them listen to Justin Bieber is a start.

   Dogs have it so easy, they don’t go through the tedious process of three dates, they just have to smell each others asses.

   If you think sleeping with your girlfriend’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.