Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy "Hold my beer while I light this" Day!!!

   Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!

   Recent studies have shown that you are an idiot.

   I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.

   1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance - My stages of getting ready for work

   I was going to paint my dogs’ nails but I’m sure the other b*tches would make fun of her.

   The only algebra you need is: The quanity of the crazy is adversely porportionate to the quality of the poon.

   Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key

   Happy 4th of July my American friends. We got you a gift. His name is Justin Bieber. Keep him!! Love Canada.

   The case of beer I bought for the 4th somehow shrank by 2/3rds last night.

   Thyme flies when you forcefully knock over the spice rack.

   Point your camera the other way, stupid! You keep taking pictures of yourself.

   Happy Independence Day! Our founding fathers fought hard to give us the freedom to blow shit up...... Make them proud!!!

   Love me or hate me. Either way I'm on your mind and I'm flattered.

   If you love someone set them free; if she comes back it means she doesn't have confidence and turn her off again.

   buying bottles rockets and crown royal! good day to be a grown-up

   Tim Tebow is under investigation by the IRS. It seems he recently joined an organization called The Patriots.

   gottenSeeing how fat George Zimmerman has gotten, we need to ask did he shoot Trayvon because he was black or for his skittles.

   I laugh every time I hear the phrase "Career Driven"

   Happy 4th of July! We did it America! We've almost completely ruined everything!