Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.

   uncross you legs...you're bending my glasses

   When I turned 40,,, the fast Super Mario music started playing.

   I celebrate payday by pouring Gatorade on my bank teller.

   Men have Sports Center, women have Steel Magnolias.... this is why we should just have sex and not try the "talking" thing.

   It's almost July 4th, the day we fought back against the aliens.

   how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat ?

   Dear naps, I'm sorry I was a jerk to you in kindergarten

   If a bear attacks you, play dead........ Ok good, you're about to feel like this forever

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.

   This is a pretty shítty flash mob. It's in my living room, only my family showed up, and they're just telling me to stop drinking.

   COCAINE IS NATURE'S CAPS LOCK

   Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

   I've already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I'm gonna "come on down" whether they call my fuckíng name or not.

   Facebook - The one place, where you can pretend to have a lot of friends

   Don't call yourself a pitbull and then act like a gay chihuahua.

   I miss you. The old you. The new you sucks!

   Never allow yourself to be used by anyone as a weapon against their enemies. You are not an object, you are a human being for god sake.

   If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep.... If it doesn't, you drove far enough.

   I'm late for work again! This time my dog ate my car.