Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?

   GIRLFRIEND: Have you ever been with a fat chick? ME: Nope, you're the first one. GIRLFRIEND: What?

   Women love compliments. Unless it’s about her hairy chest or her moustache. Then you’ll get hit in the face with a handbag.

   black jesus is here, time for change! ~ south africans

   Unless your baby rolled a blunt, please don’t bore me telling me about how he did the cutest thing.

   Everyone else's plans for pretty weekends: "I'm going to the lake" "I'm hanging at the pool" "We're going to the park for a picnic" And I'm just over here like "I'm gonna eat a waffle."

   burger king just launched in S.A. ~ Obama is here just to make sure all the american franchises and wallmart are doing well.

   If you can't handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart then you don't deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

   I'm so single my p 0rn is in a folder called p 0rn.

   How do you know if someone went to Harvard? They tell you.

   I'd trade my heart for a liver. Less love and more alcohol.

   Sometimes when I have a heavy lunch, the only thing I keep thinking after it is "I hope I digest the food before dinner time".

   Ladies; Stop wearing weaves, lice deserve to live in their natural habitat!

   Dating Tip: If she hasn't kissed you by the third date, she's there for the food.

   In the animal kingdom, males often have to fight for the right to mate. It's a case of 'brawls before hoes'.

   I wish people would stop phoning while I'm ironing. I keep burning my face.

   Can't decide if I should start drinking now, or wait until one of you pisses me off. Now it is.

   The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

   If your phone didn't get a text, it was me

   The problem with the general public is that it's made of people.