Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please stop praying for my grandpa you are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him :(

   Guys, putting the word “Swag” in your Bio is a good way of telling girls you didn't finish school & your job is selling crack on the corner.

   Paula Dean is currently at home watching the George Zimmerman trial in disgust.

   Never under estimate the predictability of stupidity.

   The only reason I drink is to celebrate not being dead.

   That which does not kill you, disappoints me.

   I did the dishes, baby. And don’t worry I only broke 37 of them. Oh I did the laundry too. You wanted the whites pink now, right?

   Whenever a friend shows me a picture of their boyfriend who's unattractive & they say "he's a keeper" I'm thinking, "yeah in the basement"

   I bet guys called Brendan wish they could get the drugs their parents were taking when they were picking baby names.

   Cocaine worth estimated R10 000 000( $1000 000) was confisticated inside Obama's luggage, in his defense, Obama said people must keep their NOSE out of his business

   ESPN reports that Aaron Hernandez is being investigated for the disappearance of Manti Teo's girlfriend

   I don't want to sound like an alarmist but,,, Wooooop Wooooop Rearrearrearrear

   There's something about today that wants me to be hungover tomorrow.

   This beer sure tastes like I'm on vacation next week!!!

   I have reached that point of my day where no more productivity is possible...

   Marriage counseling... because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she's being a bîtch.

   " Aaron Hernandez killed my girlfriend too." Manti Te'o

   Worst thing in the world is being surprised in your office by a colleague after a particularly toxic fart...

   You're uglier than..... well, you're the example.

   Keep your friends close but your cupcakes closer.